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The Belted Doctor, Chapter 7

Title: The Belted Doctor, Chapter 7

Author: tkel_paris , aka KendraC

Rating: High T, borderline M for (very) naughty humor, and some hints... Consider yourself warned.

Summary: A crack!fic inspired by a line from “Robin Hood: Men in Tights” and run for its life with. The Doctor is left with a very uncomfortable “protection” against unwanted advances. But will he find the one who is foretold to release him from his... prison?

Disclaimer: Mel Brooks owns “Men in Tights.” The BBC and others own “Doctor Who.” 'Nuff said.

Author's Note: When I first posted this to FF.N, I had to add something after bas_math_girl  took a look. I remembered that I'd meant to write something inspired by a certain... limerick... from “Men in Tights.” But I couldn't come up with anything remotely good, so... use your imaginations when you get to that part...

P / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6


Traveling with an almost millennium old alien was both more exciting and more exasperating than Donna had imagined during that year she had searched for the Doctor. All the wonder of the universe, and time was an incredible thing to behold.

But, really, there was a ridiculous amount of running involved. She might have to shop for trainers!

She wished she'd known what lousy sense of exactness this Time-Lord had about making it to a particular place. Aiming for ancient Rome and landing in Pompeii – on Volcano Day of all times?! Although if this experience were anything to go by, there would always be something important for them to do whenever this happened.

She hoped that would prove to be enough consolation for missing what they had been shooting for.

It almost wasn't. When he'd refused to help or even warn anyone, claiming that he couldn't do anything without harming history, Donna had nearly slapped him again. How could anyone with an ounce of caring in their being not try to save those people?

But in that underground chamber, the truth about his refusal became apparent. He was bound by a vow of sorts to protect history, to ensure that the future always happened. That sometimes, it required allowing a horrible event to happen – to let some people die.

It took the discovery of Pyrovillians manipulating Vesuvius for her to realize it, and the horror of the truth about Pompeii's destruction to draw her compassion back to the man who some apparently called The Lonely God. It also took little thought to place her hands over his. This strange but amazing man carried the weight of the universe on his shoulders and was now certain that they were going to die. Wouldn't it be a kindness to at least share some of his heavy burden beforehand?

That they survived seemed a miracle, and that bit of running she would never complain about. She could then accept the overall fate of Pompeii and its people, but she still felt a powerful need to save someone, to give some family a chance to start over.

And he'd not only listened, he'd agreed! What a rush that was, getting what had to be the most set in his ways person she'd ever met to change his mind on something!

She still thought he was being kind by calling her “magnificent,” but she definitely thought better of herself and her abilities after that.

When he told her how clear it was that he really needed someone around to give him a second opinion, Donna wondered what this strange yet amazing alien thought of her. Although a natural flirt (she'd been there, done that, and even had the shirt in her bags), he pretty much acted like being just “mates” was what he wanted. That odd look his eyes occasionally got when looking at her must have been due to the surprise of being challenged so often. In any case, he already treated her better than all of the males she's ever been with put together.

Wasn't gonna tell him that. He didn't need his already swollen ego to expand any further! She probably couldn't stand that!

She'd spent the past year doubting that marriage and having a family of her own would ever happen to her. After all, she hardly looked like the type of woman that men seemed to prefer – and never had. So traveling with a friend who treated her like a equal (while sometimes being a bit over-protective) was a true blessing. Oh, there was sadness as she was basically turning her back on what had been a goal for much of her life, but a woman had to have standards.

Even if hers would likely never be met.

Which, as they returned to the Vortex after Pompeii, reminded her of two questions that had been floating in her mind ever since their wacky “mates” discussion next to her car and outside his box. They were probably going to spend some while in the Vortex to recuperate mentally, so now was probably as good a time as any. He'd better be ready, that's for sure.

“Doctor, meet me in the kitchen in a few minutes. I'd like us to have some tea while I ask you two big questions.”

The respiratory bypass kicked in briefly; the Doctor nearly choked on his breath. As she walked by without giving him a chance to answer, he could see that she was determined to get answers. Which made him internally sigh. He really didn't feel like talking, but the very thought of doing something that drove this companion back home sent very unpleasant shivers through him.

And Donna was plainly the most mature human companion he'd ever had. Might be comparable with Romana...

So he followed her, and – upon seeing the tea brewing – knew that she was softening the blow of asking pointed, personal questions. At least she was trying to be kind, he thought as he sat down and accepted the cup she handed him. It had only taken her one time to note how he liked his tea, and he felt a little bad about not yet remembering how she liked hers. He really needed to memorize that; while he might not like the domestic, such things seemed to be small comforts to Donna, and therefore he needed to adjust accordingly.

At least she was also trying to keep the domestic parts to a minimum around him. Nice change. Almost made them pleasant.

When she sat down with her tea, she started right off. “Okay, Spaceman. How is it that you're over 900 years old and don't look any older than a thirty-something Earth bloke?”

Oi, this Earth woman never asked the easy ones. But not answering or trying to push her off were still not options. So off he went on a crash course of explaining Time-Lord physiology and regeneration. He let her know about how his past regenerations went, which was more than he admitted to Martha – although she got a similar talk. (It had freaked her out until she forced herself to think about something else.) Still, it was far more than any other companion ever heard, and if the play of emotions on Donna's face were what he thought they might be, she finally understood that he'd never shared that much with anyone.

The story included showing images of his past selves, which drove the story home for Donna – although he was a bit miffed over her laughing at his more... flamboyant selves.

Donna, even when laughing at aspects of his past, was in awe. This man had spent so much of his life feeling trapped by his own people's whims and expectations – even as he fought against them – and paid a heavy price physically, mentally, and spiritually. Donna felt that she could relate completely, although she was grateful that no one had ever tried to oppress her that much.

She was silent for quite a while after he finished his summary – with a promise to answer further questions another time. The Doctor was coming to feel that there was something unexpectedly comforting about being able to trust someone enough to share a bit of his past without having to live up to any expectations – or encounter any judgment of his being so different from a human.

Still, he thought, some questions need to be gotten over with. Then he remembered what she'd said in the Control Room. I'm probably going to regret this, but... “What was your other question?”

Donna suddenly blushed, hard. He thought her entire skin was going to turn pink from the intensity of the cheek burns she was showing. He was completely baffled until she managed to find her voice. “Um, it's about that... thing you blurted out without meaning to, back when I was bringing my things on board.”

The Doctor frowned – until his memory clicked like a mental slap. “Oh!”

She couldn't help but let out an amused – if a bit embarrassed – laugh. “Yeah, that. Anyway, did you mean that... it's impossible for a human and a Time-Lord to shag?”

Coughing several times despite the respiratory bypass, he needed a minute to push his voice back into action. “Um, um... Well, no.” Maybe, he hoped, my embarrassment will put her off asking further... “It's... The... parts work basically the same.'

Donna's eyebrows raised in shocked curiosity. “But, then, what did you meant that you couldn't? Does that mean you're gay?”

Given what Martha had said about him not realizing how his expressions could be interpreted, it explained a few things about Jack's behavior toward him. But not much. “Eh, no,” he answered rather casually.

What the hell is this bloody alien going on about? “Then you... lost it during the Time War?”

“No! No, I still have... the equipment. Just can't use it.”

Aside from proving that some things were universal about males – no matter the species, that almost squeaking outburst told Donna nothing. “You'd better explain that one, Sunshine, because that made no sense whatsoever!”

He groaned loudly, dropping his head onto his hands. No escaping this one... He slowly pulled his face up, resting his chin on his hands, and exhaled almost as loudly. “One of my companions was one of my people. She went by the name Romana. She... knocked me unconscious as we were preparing to execute the Time-Lock, and then... put me in a chastity belt.”

That silenced Donna externally and internally. Not even what happened with Lance had been able to silence her for almost 10 minutes. The unnatural nature of a silent Donna Noble scared the Doctor. “Um, Donna?”

That allowed her to recover a semblance of thought. “Well, what good would that do? Sounds kind of cruel to prevent a man from- Oh, my God! She was jealous!”

Another groan, but he nodded a bit. “I'm betting that you're right on some level. But she claimed it was for another purpose. What did she say...? Preventing the potent seed of Gallifrey from falling in the wrong places, I think.”

Donna laughed harder. “Oh, bullocks. She totally didn't trust you to remain celibate.”

That froze him. Did she really not trust me to wait? What was she thinking? “I don't know what her thinking was. All I know is this is really awkward to deal with.”

Talk about the understatement of his life, I bet! Donna smirked. “So how do you go to the loo with a metal thing on you? Must really chafe if you get excited.”

Oi! She is enjoying this far too much! “Can't you spare a bit of that compassion for me?!”

She waved a finger reprovingly. “Whining... And not until I've got some more answers. And I just asked a question.”

His hands fell, and he shook his head. “TARDIS takes care of that. Apparently Romana had some talk with her and arranged for all that. Soiling myself doesn't happen.” A memory flashed, and he winced. “But there was this one time where Martha and I were stuck in England during the First World War, and I had to hide as a human. I've got this Chameleon Circuit that basically made me seem completely human. Being a Time-Lord seeped into my dreams, but I thought it was my imagination. Long story, but I think TARDIS managed to keep a link to me to make me go blank whenever I had to use the loo. And, since I've already embarrassed myself with too many details, I'll have you know that it's not metal. It looks like a normal pair of golden boxer-briefs.”

Golden. She wanted to make a joke about the color choice, but decided to focus on other things – and naughty humor was a favorite pastime. “Hmm. Must be really interesting; I can't even guess at what you're packing, and those pants aren't exactly loose.”

The delivery was so matter-of-fact, so Donna. Why didn't that type of curiosity bother him? He decided to ignore the last comments; he really didn't want to address those details any further. “As for the... other part of that question, it apparently suppresses any urges I might have.”

That was enough to make anyone pause. “So Martha never found out?”

“No. I made sure none of my companions saw it. Well, Mickey did, but he was the one to change my clothes after I last regenerated. I'm grateful he didn't ask too many questions, and decided to accept that perhaps Time-Lord undergarments could change with their wearer.”

Donna snickered at the thought, but sobered as another one quickly replaced it. “If you didn't tell Martha, then I can't imagine you told Rose.”

He shuddered. “Never would have. I obviously messed up enough with my behavior where she was concerned, by not thinking of what my actions were doing to her. What good would explaining this part of why I couldn't care for her the way she wanted? Probably made it impossible to be around her, and I would've had to dump her back with her mother – and I'm not sure what that would've done to history.”

Well, time to show some compassion. “So you're stuck with a jealous ex's lock on you for the rest of your life?”

The hardest frown crept onto his face. “Well, she claimed that there's a woman out there destined to be the mother of a new race of Time-Lords.”

“Did she give you any clues as to how you'll find her?”

He sighed and pulled out that rolled paper that had remained by his side ever since Romana had handed it to him. He handed it over, deciding that he couldn't possibly be any more embarrassed than he was now. “It's written in High Gallifreyan, but the TARDIS will translate it for you in your head.”

Eyebrows raised, Donna opened the paper, and her eyes widened at what she saw, which she sputtered over. “What?! That's the filthiest limerick I've ever read!”

“She had a very naughty streak.”

The line was said so calmly that Donna wondered what was not being said. But she chose to have mercy on him. “Anything not related to how you'll apparently be reproducing like rodents?”

Thank you for that lovely mental image, Donna. Just the right thing for my foul mood... “Someone who is apparently strong enough to stand up to me.”

Her eyebrows drew together. “How strong would that have to be?”

A wry smile crossed his face briefly. “You tell me. You're the only person who's told me no. Twice.”

Well, well, that was cause to be proud. No wonder he likes me being around; I challenge him and that's a pleasure for him. “I guess I could help you look for her. After all, she might have a brother for me.”

They both laughed at that. But the Doctor felt much better. Donna Noble had such a wonderful influence on him.

He was really going to miss her if he did find this woman. Because two very strong women weren't likely to handle being in the same space for long.

The TARDIS, if she'd had a body, would've shaken her head. If they only knew, she sighed silently.

Chapter 8: Compassion and Observation


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 29th, 2013 05:39 pm (UTC)
Oh, dear god. How oblivious are these two! He's just so glad to be with someone who doesn't try to make him be something he's not. "Might be comparable with Romana... I ask again...is he listening to himself?!?

And then there's Donna. She has spent her life believing less of herself than she should. At least the Doctor treats her better than anyone ever has. But still. “I guess I could help you look for her. After all, she might have a brother for me.” Really, Donna?? Didn't you recognize yourself in that description? “Someone who is apparently strong enough to stand up to me.”

Dunces, the pair of them!! :DDD
Apr. 3rd, 2015 02:17 am (UTC)
Isn't that part of what makes this pairing so much fun? The journey from obliviousness to hyper awareness? :D
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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