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NEW: Brazilian Wax (1/1)

Title: Brazilian Wax
Series: There's The Door!
Rating: T (lots of yelling, whining, and a very uncomfortable “beauty” method)
Author: tkel_paris
Summary: A visit to an outer space mall leaves Rose with an unpleasant surprise, and the Doctor utterly confused – and not very sympathetic. But who gave it to her? NOT FOR ROSE FANS.
Disclaimer: No way this would've happened. Not on what's supposed to be a family friendly show.
Dedication: I think this came out of one of my email exchanges with tardis-mole. So he gets this one. :)
Author's Note: I was collecting ideas for a Story A Day challenge for this month, which has turned into a Doctor Who fanfic fest. In the process, I was thinking about times that something happened that could have either pushed the Doctor into sending Rose away or driven Rose to leave him. Hence the series title.

Well, this one isn't one of those based-on-canon moments. Just a fanciful humor bit to test my writing skills. The first draft, by the way, was written early in the morning. Not one bit of this is canonical. It's meant for humor, so please remember that before you knock it.

Anyone who knew me from my Criminal Intent fandom heyday would know that I consider this particular practice insane and fit for use as a criminal punishment. When this idea came up, I decided to take it one step further... This is sci-fi, after all.

Again, Rose fans should steer clear of this fic. I don't read Rose Tyler stories because I'm not a fan. This story insisted on being written. So do yourself a favor and hit Page Back now.

Otherwise, please enjoy!

Brazilian Wax

Started May 12, 2012
Finished May 13, 2012


He frowned behind his brainy specs. The tone was the most extreme whining he'd ever heard from Rose, but it was mixed with horror and anger. He turned – and froze. “What in Rassilon's name happened to you?!”

It was a legitimate question. She'd left with a full head of hair (or a head full of hair, which it easily could have been – although that was beside the point) and come back without any hairs. Not even her eyelashes. And her skin – everything he could see, that is – looked extremely irritated.

“I went for a Brazilian wax from this salon, and this is what happened to me!”

Okay, he thought through the shock, clearly not the intended result. “What's a Brazilian wax?” he instead asked.

She gave him a look like he was a daft male. “You've never heard of one?!”

“I'm not...familiar,” he admitted, pulling out his sonic and scanning Rose, “with it.”

“It's where a woman can get rid of any unwanted hair on her body. Underarms, bikini line, leg hairs... and private ones.”

She didn't see how the Doctor cringed wildly, eyes wider than flying saucers in horror.

“It usually uses hot wax, but this one said it was painless! Well, it evidently was – I don't remember anything from when I lay on the table to when I woke and found all my hair gone!”

“Rose! Why would you do that?! That's considered a form of criminal punishment on most worlds!”

She blinked. “Really?” That slipped through a bit – until she remembered her anger. “Well, I guess it would be for a guy! But this is a girl thing! Lots of blokes don't care for any hair on females other than eyebrows and top of the head!”

“Rose, there's no reason for anyone to do that! Shaving is all well and good, but those hair follicles do important things in scent communication. Even a species as scent-numbed as humans are in your day. You can't properly broadcast all sorts of things without hair follicles!”

The point seemed to fly right over her head. “Whatever! Help me get my hair back! That salon! The bloody receptionist swore I had no appointment, that I'd sneaked in and did it myself! The head of the place backed her! They're wrong! This young blonde – hair about to the shoulder blades and with blue eyes – came up to me as I was looking over the services and offered me a great deal. Said she was fully certified! I saw her credentials! But when I brought them to the room she'd taken me, there was nothing there! She slipped out!”

It dawned on the Doctor as he was scanning through her rant that perhaps her whining had provoked someone to seek revenge. Appeared she was vainer than he'd thought, which meant that the woman – whomever she was – had chosen her vengeance well. Very well. He cleared his throat loudly. “She gave you a drug, Rose.”


The scream was a lot even for his Time Lord ears. The TARDIS was grumbling in protest over such a screech. “You're not going to be able to pronounce it, but it makes hair fall out, and is quickly metabolized.”

“Well, you must have something that'll make it grow back! And soon! I can't go anywhere looking like this! We're staying in the Vortex until I grow it back!”

“Um...” Oh, this wasn't going to be pretty. “It won't grow back.”


“For Rassilon's sake, will you be quiet?! I can't hear myself think!”

She shut up, stunned he was yelling at her when she had such a complaint. Mickey never raised his voice at her! Not even her mother!

He rubbed his head, lowering the sonic. “It prevents all future hair growth, and is non-biodegradable. It can't be removed or reversed. Not in a human.”

And as far as he knew, he was in possession of the only bottle left in existence. His people had heard of its creation and deliberately confiscated the bottles for research into a cure. They never found one.

She started bawling and slammed against him, shocking some breath out of him as she clung to him like a barnacle. “Oh, Doctor! You'll take care of me, won't you? Help me hide this and love me?!”

He practically shoved her off him. “Love you?!” he squeaked.

She was beyond shocked that he would deny it! “Yes, you do! That Dalek said so! You gave up a life for me! You woke to save me when that tree was threatening us!”

She went on like that for a while, but the Doctor didn't need to hear any of it. He realized then that Rose was delusional. No wonder she had offended someone so much that this had happened. He wasn't sure he could condone it, but he understood.

But her ranting had to stop. “That's enough!” he snapped. “You have something wrong in your head if you think that I could love an immature girl! Especially one like you! I invited you so I would someone other than the TARDIS for company – and you just happened to be the one to save me. But you can take those thoughts that I return one bit of your obsessed feelings and send them off to wherever your hair went!”

Rose squawked indignantly. She could only think of one answer to that. “Well, then take me back home!” She stomped to her room. “I'm packing!”

But the Doctor had a telepathic ship that was only too happy to reveal what Rose was really up to. So he did send them back to Powell Estates – just after the last time they visited.

Unbeknown to Rose, he slipped out to explain to Jackie and Mickey what happened and why Rose was going home. So he was standing outside with them when Rose appeared with her bags. “Oi!” he exclaimed, feigning surprise. “What's with all that? There's no need for such childish nonsense!”

She shot him her best effort at a completely offended look. “I'm leaving! Let's see how you like being left alone again!”

Not the best words she could've used, but he wasn't about to correct her. He just frowned as if confused. “If you were leaving, you wouldn't have the TARDIS key still in your pocket.” He hoped it would provoke her.

Oh! She reached into her jeans, yanked it out and threw it inside the TARDIS. “There!” She stormed into the flat, sure that he would get over that shock shortly and ask her to come back.

Instead, she shortly heard the TARDIS power away.

And it never came back. He never came back.

She spent the rest of her life hiding behind wigs, painting her eyebrows on. And unable to properly explain her hairless nature.

And cursing that stupid blonde bint! Who the hell did she think she was?!

A few years later for the Doctor, he found himself back at that mall. On the same day. He would've avoided it as much as he was avoiding Rose herself, but the parts he needed were in the best condition on this day. So he asked the Old Girl's help in avoiding Rose, and his ship was more than happy to oblige.

Naturally. If it hadn't been for him, she wouldn't have let Rose back into the TARDIS after Nine's death.

He'd been worried for a while, but he had just overheard people talking about some mad hairless human female running and screaming through the center. She'd vanished, with her shouting, into thin air, some said. Whew.

Now if his ship would just tell him where a certain someone else was. “Rassilon!” he quietly cursed. “Where is that girl?!”

“Be patient,” the amused voice of his wife said at his side. “She'll be along shortly – she knows we're to depart soon.”

He looked with a huge smile at Donna Noble, and then at her belly, where she carried twins . He couldn't help but rub his hands over it – grinning more when he felt the kicks that were the physical hellos. The mental ones came at the same moment. Oh, it was wonderful to have more than one person's mind connected to his again!

Then his face fell as he remembered the bags at his wife's feet. “Any chance we're done with the shopping for the little ones?” he asked, unable to hide the plea.

She smirked. “Well, I had some ideas, but I suppose they can wait until they're at least a year old. Or whenever they're ready for their first alien planet. Whichever comes first.”

The Doctor knew she sometimes said such things just to bait him. Oh, the difference a grown-up, mature companion made! Giving a knowing smirk back, he kissed her tenderly – which she returned, as always.

“I'm back!” a familiar voice exclaimed happily. Jenny came into view at the same moment, and skidded to a halt. “Ugh! How often do you two have to kiss?!”

Donna rolled her eyes at her husband after they broke apart. He however had closed his eyes to restrain a retort that would serve no purpose.

Jenny shook her head. “I got what you sent me for, Dad. And just wait until I show you what I found at an old-fashioned t-shirt shop! Lots of great sayings shirts! I bought some sets for you and the babies, Dad. Now you'll have to get those jeans Mum says are missing from your huge wardrobe,” she added, grinning wickedly over her father's appalled look.

Her mother laughed. “I wonder if they make them in his size. Extra small, check!”

He groaned and led them back to the TARDIS to get them safely to Earth. Donna had made it plain she was giving birth on her homeworld, surrounded by her family and their most trusted friends. He knew better than to argue with his beloved on this matter.

He was so focused on attending to his pregnant wife's needs – especially helping her secure herself to the improved Jump Seat in case they encountered any time eddies – that neither of them noticed how Jenny stroke the TARDIS door in an odd way, an almost evil grin on her face. Or heard the mental exchange between the ship and their daughter that took place at the same moment:

Thank you, Jenny. You have avenged me.

Anytime, TARDIS.



( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 13th, 2012 10:20 pm (UTC)
This story is fantastic well done
May. 13th, 2012 10:58 pm (UTC)
Thank you. For something that really only had two rounds of editing passes (I'm counting my betas looking at it as one), I think it turned out fine. :)
May. 14th, 2012 08:37 am (UTC)
I keep looking at this bit of sentence "a full head of hair or a head full of hair" and instead of 'hair' my brain keeps dropping of the 'H' and it makes 'Air' and I find it greatly amusing because its true.
May. 14th, 2012 10:29 am (UTC)
It was originally the second way solely, and then one of my betas made a joke about that when suggesting the other - which I used. :P

Edited at 2012-05-14 02:43 pm (UTC)
May. 13th, 2012 10:26 pm (UTC)
Oh, you devious little thing! I LOVE this! Nothing that Rosie doesn't deserve. And as revenge for the rape of the TARDIS. Bloody brilliant!!
May. 13th, 2012 10:59 pm (UTC)
Thanks! *bows* Had the feeling you would enjoy it. Now to decide how I'd phrase and categorize things to post on FF.N...
May. 13th, 2012 11:03 pm (UTC)
Really? I wonder why? ;D
May. 14th, 2012 07:29 am (UTC)
Revenge is a dish best served cold; and even better when Jenny is your waitress!! :D
May. 14th, 2012 10:29 am (UTC)
Have you mem'd this yet? ;) *hugs*
May. 14th, 2012 10:37 am (UTC)
I have now! *goes to wash & freshen memory*
May. 14th, 2012 11:54 am (UTC)
May. 23rd, 2012 12:21 pm (UTC)
Thanks! :D
May. 15th, 2012 12:14 pm (UTC)
LOL that was awesome!
May. 23rd, 2012 12:21 pm (UTC)
Thanks! It cracked my betas up. :)
May. 23rd, 2012 10:48 am (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHA! I am saving this to my memories right now. I can just imagine Rose with no hair. *giggles some more* I love Jenny avenging the TARDIS and that Donna is having twins. :D Brilliant!!!!!!
May. 23rd, 2012 12:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I love hearing that someone saved one of my fics to their memories page. :D
Jun. 16th, 2015 01:05 am (UTC)
Honestly this whole piece was fabulous, but this part....

"Thank you, Jenny. You have avenged me."

"Anytime, TARDIS."

Completely perfect ending!
Jun. 16th, 2015 01:47 am (UTC)
Glad you think so. It was satisfying to write.
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )

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