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FIC: The Doctor's Shorts (1/1)

Title: The Doctor's Shorts
Rating: T (some grossness)
Series: There's The Door! (for Part One only, the others are connected sequels)
Author: tkel_paris
Disclaimer: Did we ever hear anything about this aspect of Time Lords? No? Then still not mine.
Dedication: Um... Not sure anyone wants this one. I'll just blame my Muse.
Author's Note: A trio of stories that are meant to be silly. And a bit gross. No one assume that the Doctor would be immune to certain...issues a lot of females have with males. He is a bloke. An alien, but a bloke nonetheless.

The Doctor's Shorts:
Started May 20, 2012
Finished February 5, 2013

Part One: Girlish Disgust


Rose screaming his name – well, the one he told her and everyone else was his name – wasn't anything new. But hearing her scream in horror while on board the TARDIS? That was new.

He dragged himself out from under the console, tucked his brainy specs in his inside jacket pocket, and rushed to where the Old Girl said she was. He found her standing in the laundry room, staring at something in a bin.

She looked up at the sound of him running in. “What's that?!” she shrieked, pointing inside the bin – but keeping a good distance from it.

He looked in, and flinched. Why had the Old Girl let her in this part of the room? He sighed, and rubbed his face. “My used underpants.”

She stared at him with eyes wider than a Slitheen's. “But...but... they're stained...” She couldn't speak, she was so disgusted.

He fixed an annoyed glare at her. “Not every species' liquid and solid waste looks like a human's. In fact, that's a very narrow view of the universe, Rose. And it's wrong to be offended because someone's waste comes out a different color!”

She stared at him in horror.

He groaned. “You knew from when you first set foot on the TARDIS that I'm an alien! Did you really think you could pretend that I'm just a human with a spaceship that looks like a police box?!”

Mouth trembling, she ran from the room. He sighed. He knew that look. She was going home, and was staying home.

Great, he was alone again. He'd have to go looking for a new companion. Should he ask Mickey if he wanted to get away?

Although, when Rose did leave, the Doctor wondered why the Old Girl's humming sounded more like satisfied snickering than anything else. It sounded like she was saying, you want a list?

Part Two: Medical Oddities


Martha shouting his name wasn't as common as it was a lot of his earlier female companions, but he wasn't used to anyone shouting on board. But, unlike when Rose shouted, this sounded like a shock that was also fascinated at the same time.

He listened carefully to the sounds of his ship, feeling a little suspicious. He now suspected that the Old Girl had driven Rose away out of revenge for his last self's death, which she blamed the girl for.

He had trouble blaming the TARDIS. He had intended to leave Rose behind, after all.

So he wasn't surprised to find Martha in the laundry room. He groaned. “Oh, what did the TARDIS show you?”

Martha turned her wide eyes to face him. “Doctor,” she said, curiosity creeping in through her stunned manner, “are those...yours?” She pointed at a familiar bin.

He didn't need to look. He knew exactly what was in them. “Yes,” he said flatly, waiting for her reaction.

She looked at him, looked back at the soiled items, and then back at him. She swallowed, clearly disgusted but her eyes were full of questions. “I'm probably going to regret asking, but what chemicals make your... waste products... look so different from a human's?” She waved her hand a bit, clearly not wanting to voice what she was seeing just yet.

He could tell that her crush on him was instantly over. Still, she was a doctor and she was always looking to expand her medical training. It was why she spent a lot of time in the infirmary, asking questions about the equipment and alien biology.

He would give her some answers. He just hadn't decided how much he would admit to. More than he wanted to, obviously, but he would try to keep it to a minimum.

Part 3: Lessons to Learn


It said so much that the Doctor immediately popped up from his repairs and rushed toward Donna's shout. It was hardly the first time she yelled his name on board. She wasn't afraid to raise her voice when she had a complaint, but it had become less common as the Old Girl provided for more and more of their ginger's needs.

Seemed his ship felt a vested interest in keeping Donna happy. He certainly felt it, too. He'd never felt so comfortable around a human. Hence his own eagerness to ensure she didn't have real cause to be unhappy.

As he rushed to where the TARDIS directed him, he found himself in a familiar place. No, he silently shouted at his ship, why did you let her go there?!

He got no answer.

Donna was waiting with her arms folded, foot tapping. “Explain that basket there,” she demanded with a sharp tilt of her head.

He didn't need to ask which one. It was the same one that had freaked Rose out and killed Martha's crush. Oh, the underwear had been cleaned many times since, so it was fresh. He wasn't that much of a slob!

He cleared his throat. “It's the Gallifreyan version of a human's...soiled underpants.”

She narrowed her eyes. “You mean to tell me that a Time Lord doesn't know how to wipe himself?”

He blinked. “You're not...disgusted?”

“Oh, I am! Soiled pants are disgusting, period. It's careless and disrespectful to those you live with.”

He could only focus on one detail – the wording. “You're not...going to leave over this?”

She scoffed. “No! What's at home for me, anyway?! Besides, it's obvious that someone needs to teach you a few things that your teachers and parents clearly failed to. Off to the loo, Doctor! Time to learn how to properly clean after going.”

He had never turned redder in his long life.



( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 6th, 2013 01:54 am (UTC)
Definitely not grossed out (I have brothers). Highly amused. Of course Miss "Let's forget he's an alien and expect him to be human" Tyler would run screaming in the night. And Miss "He's so perfect. Make him love me" Jones would be disallusioned at his ordinariness. Only the practical but demanding Donna would put it all in the perspective of common courtesy!

Which is why she is the best person for him to have travelling with him!!!
Feb. 6th, 2013 02:10 am (UTC)
I was a tomboy and a daddy's girl, so I'm used to bathroom humor and finding it funny - at times. I think that was the ultimate source of this story. :P

Amen, to all of the above! :DDDDD
Feb. 6th, 2013 04:31 pm (UTC)
I was literally my father's first son for the first 7 years of my life, until he got a real one! Tomboy extreme. Hated Barbies: had GI Joes. Got cap guns and boxing gloves for Christmas. it was glorious!


Feb. 6th, 2013 05:10 pm (UTC)
Weird thing is, I had Barbies and dressed up, but I also came to prefer jeans and pants to dresses. Now I'm having to toughen up to deal with wearing them again. But I still love reading military history and want to learn how to shoot. :)
Feb. 6th, 2013 02:39 am (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHA. This reminds me sooo much of when my goddaughter found her two older brothers' dirty laundry and their mother awkwardly tried to explain "skid marks".

Ahhh Rose. Classic immature child (see above reference to goddaughter who was 6 years old at the time), who is disgusted.

And Martha. She has a crush, she hopes he will return it, yet she's also a scientist of sorts so she's curious. But yet also disappointed at his apparent lack of awe factor there...

And then Donna. Perfect Donna. She understands so well. it doesn't faze her a whole lot. She just feels the need to properly educate him. =P

Loved it.

~Ali ♥
Feb. 6th, 2013 02:44 am (UTC)
*splutters* Oh, man! Well, I hope I'm prepared for that. Then again, I don't believe there is a reason men should own white underwear. (This has come up in my family, and having washed my own dad's things, I think I rest my case.)

*snickers* Rosie IS and WAS a spoiled child. I so don't feel bad about bursting her bubble here. :D

Poor Martha. At least she can keep a measure of dignity by asking scientific questions. But I didn't want to outright say what color I envisioned. Thought it best to leave to reader imagination.

Mother Hen Donna strikes. That's what it boils down to. :DDDD

Thank you! *hugs*
Feb. 6th, 2013 04:44 am (UTC)
I know that we once discussed Jenny's reaction to dirty underwear, so that might have helped sparked this. Or you've had an encounter you're not telling us about... ;D
Oh I'm a believer in men having white underwear, purely because you can throw them into a boil wash and let the machine do all the work; but then that's probably years of dealing with terry towelling nappies saying that.
All I know is, it takes a form of mature love to deal with the flipping things! That and a decent washing powder.... Which Donna would obviously know about. :D
Feb. 6th, 2013 11:04 am (UTC)
Yes, we did. But I wasn't sure anyone wanted to claim having sparked this one. ;)

All I know is, growing up, there were some limits on what could be used for cleaning since we have allergies and sensitive skin. So I have to admire women who can deal with it. Including Donna. :D
Feb. 6th, 2013 07:54 am (UTC)
Lol! Good on ya, Donna, maybe he needs baby wet wipes!

This is definitely a unique subject in fanfic I have to say!
Feb. 6th, 2013 11:05 am (UTC)

Thanks! Sorry it wasn't more Seals for ya, love.
Feb. 6th, 2013 11:48 am (UTC)
They make flushable wipes now for grownups to avoid these types of problems.

As for this series of vignettes, typical reactions from all of them. Trust Donna to handle the situation like a mother hen and teach him what he needs to know for courtesy. I'm sure the TARDIS didn't really like seeing the skid marks either and will now do even more to keep their ginger happy! Maybe the TARDIS was testing each companion to see what would happen when she showed them the dirty laundry. Donna passed!

Whites are better because you can boil and bleach them up when needed... accidents do happen sometimes.
Feb. 6th, 2013 01:21 pm (UTC)
Hmm. Will have to look for those.

Testing the companions. I like it! :D

I'll think about that.
Feb. 6th, 2013 12:24 pm (UTC)
With living with 4 males (3 brothers and father and now a hubby) having to do said laundry, skid marks are a way of life. Love the crackfic this am. Having woke up in pain, the humor is helping my mood. For that I say thank you.
Feb. 6th, 2013 01:20 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Glad I helped. Hope you feel better soon.

Just because they're a way of life for some doesn't mean it HAS to be that way, that's my attitude. I doubt it's gonna be a way of life for the Doctor much longer here. :)
Feb. 6th, 2013 01:02 pm (UTC)
This is bonkers, but I absolutely love it! It's so true to life. Never did a guy's laundry until my then-best friend had a hospital stay and I went to clean his apartment. I learned more in 4 hours than I had with 3 years with my now ex. Rose would be horrified that the Doctor isn't as human as he looked, Martha would become clinically detached, and Donna fixes all.

And yes, boil and bleach is the cure.
Feb. 6th, 2013 01:22 pm (UTC)
Glad you enjoyed. I guess I do like adding the "real life" touches. :D
Jul. 5th, 2013 02:11 pm (UTC)
That is SOOO Donna. I LOVE IT!!
Jul. 5th, 2013 02:50 pm (UTC)
Thanks! :DDDD
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )

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